Okay, so after I posted this link to the other thread, I got a crazy idea that delighted me to no end: if the 2013 Cincinnati Reds were Game of Thrones characters, who would they be? This got the mind racing, and so even thought there was already a new thread today, this seemed like a good thread to begin at 11:18 my time (and after midnight in Cincinnati).
(NOTE: IF YOU AREN'T UP WITH SEASON THREE, THERE ARE SPOILERS. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!)
So, without further ado, here's what I've got:
Joey Votto as Daenerys Targaryen
I want to marry Daenerys Targaryen - she's super, SUPER hot, she has dragons, and she seems as ethical as anyone in the series. Also, the Iron Throne is hers by rights more than anyone else. Amazingly, the more I see of Daenerys and the more I get to know her, the more I fall in love. She is rapidly ascending my personal list of favorite fictional characters (joining the Doctor, Chewbacca, Peter Venkman and Abraham from the Walking Dead comics). Meanwhile, Votto is (I've been told) super, SUPER hot, he has the best on base skills in the league, and seems like a solid dude. And the more I see/hear him, the more I like him, making him ascend the list of my favorite athletes of all time (joining Barry Larkin, Drew Brees, Glenn Robinson, and Mike Leake). This was the easiest call of this whole exercise.
Johnny Cueto as Khal Drogo
Remember how awesome Drogo was in the first season? And how disappointing his death was? Yeah, basically as amazing as Cueto was in 2012 and how disappointing his injuries were in 2013. Also, the hair. The hair is similar.
Jay Bruce as Tyrion Lannister
Steady like a rock in the series and on the field. It doesn't seem like he ever steals the show for an extended period of time, but there are episodes (and weeks) where he's clearly the best character (and player). Remember the Blackwater episode? That was a month long hot streak for Tyrion. Bruce is very, very good and very, very consistent (at least season to season), and if anything, under appreciated (just like Tyrion).
Homer Bailey as Jaime Lannister
I used to hate Jaime Lannister. Then, I heard his backstory, and I realized 'you know what? This guy isn't so bad. He just needs better PR, and perhaps better taste in women.' Now, I want him to stick around long term. I used to hate Homer Bailey. Then he pitched two no hitters and I realized 'you know what? This guy isn't so bad.' I don't know about his taste in women, but I do know he's sticking around.
Brandon Phillips as Robb Stark
Here's the anti-Jaime Lannister! He seemed cool at first, and I was excited when he was declared the 'King in the North.' And yet, when the wedding happened, I wasn't sorry - I was actually relieved that I didn't have to deal with his nonsense anymore. If BP is traded, I'll feel the same way.
Todd Frazier as Arya Stark
Everyone loves Arya Stark. It's impossible not to. And everyone loves Todd Frazier - it's impossible not to.
Zack Cozart as Sansa Stark
Sansa is equal parts infuriating and intriguing. The show got roughly 40% better when she finally got a cool storyline, but every time she's on screen, I'm terrified something terrible will happen to her. Meanwhile, Zack Cozart is equal parts infuriating and intriguing. The team is roughly 40% better when he's doing well, but every time he's at the plate, I'm terrified something terrible will happen.
Tony Cingrani as That Dude Who Could Change His Face From Season 2
Because that guy was awesome completely and utterly out of nowhere. And while he was only around a little bit, I really, REALLY wish we'd be able to see him be that awesome all the time. That sentence is applicable to both guys.
Devin Mesoraco as Bran Stark
Bran has had his moments, and the show keeps insisting on showing his story, even when I'm iffy on whether or not I like him. But if he CAN be cool, the show is much better. Devin has had a few moments, and the Reds keep insisting he's good, but I'm iffy on him. But if he CAN be good, this team is much better.
Mat Latos as Stannis Baratheon
He's got a claim to the throne (or a massive contract), but deep down, I'm pretty sure he's a dick (Latos too). But I like him (and hiim) anyway. Also, the red headed witch is attractive in a trashy way, even when she's pregnant (I'm not finishing this line. But you know what it is).
Mike Leake as Ser Jorah Mormont
Ser Jorah rules, and he's side by side with the best character. Mike Leake rules, and he and Joey should be friends.
Aroldis Chapman as Hodor
Do we need Chapman? I don't know. But he's fun. Pretty much like Hodor. HODOR!
Bryan Price as Tywin Lannister
I didn't know who Tywin was for awhile. Now? I'm pretty sure he's a genius and the most capable character on the show of taking over the world. Let's hope Bryan Price - who I knew nothing about for awhile - is just as capable.
Corky Miller as Syrio Forel (suggested by Frank Robinson's Ghost)
Syrio played a small, but amazing role - just like Corky. And just like Syrio's god that he prayed to was death, whom he told 'not today,' I'm pretty sure Corky will be part of baseball forever.
Chris Heisey as Jon Snow (suggested by River Otter)
Jon Snow is amazing, but kind of infuriating. I mean, look - why not just be a wildling with your hot redhead girlfriend? Why be loyal to the Night's Watch? Especially after how you were treated by Lady Stark; just go be free! Meanwhile, Heisey should go be free, but when he gets the chance, he pretty much drops the ball. But you know what? He's still awesome.
Also, there were two (now three) characters that needed mentioning but couldn't be mentioned on the Reds:
Jason LaRue as Theon Greyjoy (suggested by Redfaced)
Greyjoy is a traitor to a fine family that treated him well. And LaRue was a turncoat who became the whiniest little bitch of all the whiny little bitches. Also a lost penis = a lost career, at least metaphorically speaking.
Ryan Braun as Cersei Lannister
Man. Cersei is just awful. And as they've given her character depth, I know I'm supposed to sympathize with her, but then she opens her mouth and it's just all gone. Die Cersei Lannister - swiftly, and painfully. Please. Meanwhile, the more Braun talks, the more I hate him. He tries to get sympathy, but I just want him to be kicked out of the league for being a douchebag.
Yadier Molina as Joffrey Baratheon
Whenever I see his face, I want to punch it while I'm holding a brick. Over and over again until the body stops twitching. Also, Joffrey is pretty bad too.